Zombie Jesus’ words and acts are recorded in one of the apocryphal books (books which were not included in the New Testament by the Catholic Church), the “Book of Brains”. The most famous part of the “Book of Brains” is the “Parable of the Brains”, in which Zombie Jesus spoke unto the assembled masses: “Braaaiiins…. braaaiiinnnss… braaaaiinss!!” (in the original Greek of the Gospel, “μυαλό…. μυααααλό…. μυααααλό!!!”).

“The word Catholic is actually a derivative of cat lick i.e. ‘to lick a cat’. This has led many to speculate that the pope is addicted to kitten huffing, though he is on the record as saying he ‘never inhaled.’”

Dear Pope,

I suppose that at this point, I ought to be numb to the incredible ignorance and bigotry of the Catholic monarchy. After a history of violence and oppression that differs from Nazi Germany only in its lack of brevity and the willful ignorance of the recent regimes, this sort of thing is what I ought to have come to expect. Alas, I am still shocked when the crass dogmatism of Catholicism is made clear.

I refer to, of course, your recent statements regarding atheism.

Though I think you are actually perfectly aware of the following, I should like to present some of the many deceptions and outright lies now included in your “encyclical:”

1. Atheism originated during the French and Communist revolutions.
   1. This is, to say the least, historically laughable. Atheism has been around for millenia, with recorded ‘atheist’ sentiments in ancient Greece. Of course, just as a Catholic would not recognize a gnostic Christian from 200AD, we would probably not recognize atheists from previous centuries. Of course, if Catholics were well versed in history, they probably wouldn’t remain Catholic, and you know that.
   2. Atheism did indeed see an increase during the French and Communism revolutions. This period, stretching from the late 1700s to the late 1800s, is also historically known as “the enlightenment.” In 1790, France renounced the authority of the church in its government… seems the monarchy is still sour about that one. By the way, this might just be a funny coincidence, but atheism saw a significant rise in Europe at around the same time that the Catholic church stopped roasting ‘heretics’ - the French Revolution took place from 1789 - 1799. The Catholic Church did not officially condemn the use of torture until Pope Pius VII in 1816.
   3. This statement is highly fallacious, and intentionally misleading. The reader is meant to associate atheism with the highly bloody and violent French Revolution and evil Communists. Neither revolution, however, was conducted in the name of or solely for the propagation of atheism, contrary to the crusades, the Inquisition, and numerous other evils endorsed with massive Catholic rubber stamps. As I recall, Nazi Germany also had the support of the Catholic church, which (still) hasn’t condemned Hitler and his actions. You knew that, though, from your days as a Hitler Youth.
   4. Bad politics, Popey. You could have just inadvertently pissed off all of China. Of course, China probably won’t care all that much. It’s not like you were googling Tianamnen Square or anything.
2. “Atheist ideologies,” such as Marxism, that claim that humans must establish their own social justice have been proven wrong by history.
   1. What, like the country and ideology behind this godless document?
   2. But Popey, if you condemn all social justice, you’d have to condemn all capitalist and democratic governments, including most of the governments of western Europe, and… Italy. Oh, wait.
   3. Perhaps you’d like to advocate a system of order and justice owned and operated by Thy Uptightness and his Holy Member? It was done once. Those times are now referred to as the “Dark Ages.” Back then, little boys knew how to keep their mouths shut too.
3. Atheism is the cause of some of the “greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice” in history.
   1. Well, unless you count the Crusades. Or the Inquisition. Or the Holocaust. Or the witch hunts, 9/11, the apartheid, genocide in Sudan, WWI, WWII, the Vietnam War, the Iraq War, the War of 1812, country music, and so on. In fact, could you please name a case where atheism is the direct cause of cruelty and violation of justice? Humans are human, I’m sure there’s at least one out there.
   2. Still hoping that I’ll just brush the whole Medieval era under the rug?
   3. Atheists do a great deal of good. We could do the good Catholic thing and burn the heretics at the stake, but then we would be lacking Mark Twain, Ernest Hemingway, Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, Ayn Rand, Salmon Rushdie, Kurt Vonnegut, Woody Allen, George Carlin, Adam Carolla, Sir Ian McKellen, Billy Joel, Diderot, Voltaire, Bertrand Russell, Richard Feynman, Alan Turing, Linus Torvalds, Steve Wozniak, among many others.

Why? Why atheists? Is it because we pose a legitimate threat? Is it because you know we aren’t going to sue or suicide bomb you? Are we easy scapegoats? After all, we wouldn’t want you slandering something truly evil in this world, such as Scientology. They have big lawyers with sharp nasty teeth.

I chalk it up to sexual frustration. Revoke the celibacy thing, please… for the good of all boys under age 12.

Sincerely,

An American Atheist.

Contrary to popular belief, the covering of the Muslim woman is not oppression but a liberation from the shackles of male scrutiny and the standards of attractiveness. In Islam, a woman is free to be who she is inside, and immuned from being portrayed as sex symbol and lusted after. Islam exalts the status of a woman by commanding that she “enjoys equal rights to those of man in everything, she stands on an equal footing with man ” (Nadvi, 11) and both share mutual rights and obligations in all aspects of life.
- Liberation by the Veil

It’s true! Did you know that rape only happens here in the heathen western states? How often do you hear about rape in the Middle East?

There’s a reason for that.

Apparently, there’s an addendum in the Shari’a stating that if you are raped, you’d best keep your mouth shut, bitch. The addendum in question:

And she that is raped, may she be silent always, so as not to bring shame to her rapists, for Allah knows that deep, deep down in the heart (sic) of a woman, she knows that she really wants it anyway. I mean, c’mon, we all know when they’re not submitting to Allah, they love submitting to their master. Besides, showing both eyes like they do, you know they’re asking for it. Therefore, Allah commands that all women, should they be raped, shall STFU before him.
- Wasalta I-dharwa*

According to a recent article on CNN.com, a victim of gang rape in the Kingdom has been now sentenced to 200 lashes and a six month prison sentence. Her crime? Speaking out about the rape. Now, this might be understandable if the Kingdom and its judges are mortally afraid of bad press - speaking out could be seen as trying to garner negative attention to the country in the international media.

Oh wait, she was already sentenced to the tune of 90 lashes simply for being raped under Islamic law.

Of course, this is shocking and disgusting to us enlightened westerners. “Look at those backwards sand-niggers, with their silly and oppressive laws! I’m so glad I’m a good God-fearing Christian/Jew.”

What we don’t realize is that if Christians and Jews actually followed the law as defined by the bible, they would do the exact same thing… worse, in fact. Yes, those crazy Muslims actually are more lenient than Christians and Jews ought to be:

If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her; Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour’s wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.
-Deuteronomy 22:23-24

Whereas a Muslim woman might only be lashed, a Christian or Jewish woman must be stoned, and I don’t mean that in the fun way. The same rule of law applies to an animal that has been raped, as well. Of course, this doesn’t happen in our modern society, but according to the “holy” babble, it should! The only reason there aren’t routine stonings of rape victims at the county fair grounds is that Christians and Jews don’t adhere to their own scripture. Instead, upon reading said verses, mumble to themselves that they’re silly, archaic, and in the Old Testament. Good point.

How can Christians get away with writing off Old Testament law while simultaneously holding aloft the entirety of the Bible as the ultimate guide for morality? This is not nearly the only case of reprehensible verses in the so-called “good news.” Many argue that the laws of the Old Testament were somehow fulfilled when Christ came to the earth. Why then, pray tell, do we still preach from and teach our children about it? If Christians had any decency, they’d confine anything from Genesis to Micah to the history books, where they belong. They don’t, and here’s why:

Why Christians refuse to condemn the Old Testament:

1. It contains Genesis. Whereas the rest of the Old Testament might be rife with scientific errancy (God has the strength of a unicorn, in case you were ever wondering), Genesis isn’t. God actually did create the world in 6 days (amazing, considering he hadn’t created the sun until day 3, which is necessary to define a “day”), making evolution an obvious fabrication.
   
2. They know that the New Testament is just as silly, so they would have to condemn it as well.
3. They would have to admit that their morality comes from somewhere other than a holy book.
4. No harm, no foul - nobody actually reads their Bibles anyway, except for the verses their preachers hand-pick
5. What else would they teach in Sunday School? All those warm fuzzy stories about Christ get boring after awhile. Kids want to hear about Joshua and his armies and their “scorched earth” campaign through Canaan, or how Abraham nobly nearly slaughtered his son.
6. There’s money to be made.