“The word Catholic is actually a derivative of cat lick i.e. ‘to lick a cat’. This has led many to speculate that the pope is addicted to kitten huffing, though he is on the record as saying he ‘never inhaled.’”

Dear Pope,

I suppose that at this point, I ought to be numb to the incredible ignorance and bigotry of the Catholic monarchy. After a history of violence and oppression that differs from Nazi Germany only in its lack of brevity and the willful ignorance of the recent regimes, this sort of thing is what I ought to have come to expect. Alas, I am still shocked when the crass dogmatism of Catholicism is made clear.

I refer to, of course, your recent statements regarding atheism.

Though I think you are actually perfectly aware of the following, I should like to present some of the many deceptions and outright lies now included in your “encyclical:”

1. Atheism originated during the French and Communist revolutions.
   1. This is, to say the least, historically laughable. Atheism has been around for millenia, with recorded ‘atheist’ sentiments in ancient Greece. Of course, just as a Catholic would not recognize a gnostic Christian from 200AD, we would probably not recognize atheists from previous centuries. Of course, if Catholics were well versed in history, they probably wouldn’t remain Catholic, and you know that.
   2. Atheism did indeed see an increase during the French and Communism revolutions. This period, stretching from the late 1700s to the late 1800s, is also historically known as “the enlightenment.” In 1790, France renounced the authority of the church in its government… seems the monarchy is still sour about that one. By the way, this might just be a funny coincidence, but atheism saw a significant rise in Europe at around the same time that the Catholic church stopped roasting ‘heretics’ - the French Revolution took place from 1789 - 1799. The Catholic Church did not officially condemn the use of torture until Pope Pius VII in 1816.
   3. This statement is highly fallacious, and intentionally misleading. The reader is meant to associate atheism with the highly bloody and violent French Revolution and evil Communists. Neither revolution, however, was conducted in the name of or solely for the propagation of atheism, contrary to the crusades, the Inquisition, and numerous other evils endorsed with massive Catholic rubber stamps. As I recall, Nazi Germany also had the support of the Catholic church, which (still) hasn’t condemned Hitler and his actions. You knew that, though, from your days as a Hitler Youth.
   4. Bad politics, Popey. You could have just inadvertently pissed off all of China. Of course, China probably won’t care all that much. It’s not like you were googling Tianamnen Square or anything.
2. “Atheist ideologies,” such as Marxism, that claim that humans must establish their own social justice have been proven wrong by history.
   1. What, like the country and ideology behind this godless document?
   2. But Popey, if you condemn all social justice, you’d have to condemn all capitalist and democratic governments, including most of the governments of western Europe, and… Italy. Oh, wait.
   3. Perhaps you’d like to advocate a system of order and justice owned and operated by Thy Uptightness and his Holy Member? It was done once. Those times are now referred to as the “Dark Ages.” Back then, little boys knew how to keep their mouths shut too.
3. Atheism is the cause of some of the “greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice” in history.
   1. Well, unless you count the Crusades. Or the Inquisition. Or the Holocaust. Or the witch hunts, 9/11, the apartheid, genocide in Sudan, WWI, WWII, the Vietnam War, the Iraq War, the War of 1812, country music, and so on. In fact, could you please name a case where atheism is the direct cause of cruelty and violation of justice? Humans are human, I’m sure there’s at least one out there.
   2. Still hoping that I’ll just brush the whole Medieval era under the rug?
   3. Atheists do a great deal of good. We could do the good Catholic thing and burn the heretics at the stake, but then we would be lacking Mark Twain, Ernest Hemingway, Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, Ayn Rand, Salmon Rushdie, Kurt Vonnegut, Woody Allen, George Carlin, Adam Carolla, Sir Ian McKellen, Billy Joel, Diderot, Voltaire, Bertrand Russell, Richard Feynman, Alan Turing, Linus Torvalds, Steve Wozniak, among many others.

Why? Why atheists? Is it because we pose a legitimate threat? Is it because you know we aren’t going to sue or suicide bomb you? Are we easy scapegoats? After all, we wouldn’t want you slandering something truly evil in this world, such as Scientology. They have big lawyers with sharp nasty teeth.

I chalk it up to sexual frustration. Revoke the celibacy thing, please… for the good of all boys under age 12.

Sincerely,

An American Atheist.