New Building Design Faces Opposition

No building for old men?

A group of students calling themselves the Men for Balmer Architecture (MBA) have begun to gather support for a protest of the construction of a new business school. The MBAlmer recently scored an interview with the group's "VP of Creating VP Positions." The student, who wishes to be called Student X, filled us in on some of the important issues the MBA group is concerned about:

MBalmer: "What is the motivation behind the resistance?"

Student X: "This whole insurgent group started the minute a few of us heard that the new buildings might have bathrooms on the first floor. That is a ridiculous concept that we want no part of. We refuse to sit back and let the business school administration impose modern conveniences on us."

MBalmer: "You do know that many of the top business schools across the world have bathrooms on the first floor. Do you really think that will detract from your experience?" Student X: "Yeah, well most of the business schools have power outlets in the classrooms too and we all know what a terrible idea that is. Just because other schools are embarking on 20th Century things doesn't mean we need to."

MBalmer: "What other new building issues are you concerned with?"

Student X: "The new buildings are rumored to have constant flow rate water fountains in the hallways. That is completely unacceptable. Balmer's current water fountains are ideal because the water level fluctuates as people flush the toilets in the bathrooms."

MBalmer: "Anything else?"

Student X: "Yes. We heard these new buildings are supposed to be built 'green.' While everyone is so thrilled that the new buildings will save us from global warming, we are more concerned about losing the 1950's style nuclear bunker that is Balmer Hall."

MBalmer: "Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us."

Student X: "You're welcome. If you'll excuse me I have to run off to a Meet the Firm - Ned's New Wave Barbershop is here today."

Syllabus Released for AA151: Selected Topics in Alcohol

AA151 team meeting

The syllabus has been released for the spring quarter elective "AA151: Selected Topics in Alcohol". The course, colloquially known as "Vodka Tuesday", is a chance for second year students to expand their knowledge of the brewers' and distillers' arts before graduation. Cases will cover the wide range of beers and liquors available.

Recommended Readings:
John Jameson, "Beer Before Liquor: the Never Sicker Diaries"
Jack Daniels, "I am Drunk (and So Can You!)"
Yoshi Yoshimori, "Exotic Liquors of the East"
Elizabeth Stearns, "A Sustainable Buzz"
The Oxford "Olde English 800" Dictionary
Kim and Mauborgne, "Blue Curacao Strategy"

MBAlmer Mailbag

Ain't Google Images great?

Editors: We get so many questions from classmates that we finally decided to clean out our Inbox with one big MBAlmer Mailbag. All names have been removed to protect the guilty. Read on!

Q: Dan Poston has some crazy vocal talent! How come he never made it big in the music biz?

A: In fact, Dan had a platinum career in music before his heart led him into the world of business school administration. Check out the album our crack staff was able to find.

Q: So where is the best place to take a nap during school?

A: Ah, a question we face every day, usually right after lunch at Balmer Café. While we hear that the comfy chairs on the second floor of the Foster Library are popular choices, we often prefer locations that are a bit more private. Managerial Accounting, for example, where there's always room to kick back and grab a few z's. If you had a key, the best place would be the 4th floor Balmer Trading Room: nothing but thousands of dollars of computer equipment to keep you warm. Plus, we don't think the room has been used since it was a classroom. Certainly there's no trading going on there!

Q: Dear MBAlmer, how many half-hour interviews can I attend before I need to dry clean my suit?

A: It all depends on how stressful the interviews were; if you're looking at a final-stage at your dream job, you may want to bring a change of clothes and drop it off on the way home. On the other hand, if you applied to an eRecruiting job while drunk one night, chances are you didn't care enough to break a sweat. Of course, if you interviewed at Philip Morris with a chain-smoking hiring manager, it'd be best just to discard it and move on.

Q: Hey, I heard the administration was going to "make it up to us" for the hassle of the new building construction by providing tons of free lunches. What else are they planning?

A: Well, first, I'd say don't count your free lunches until they're eaten. Today's banquets are often tomorrow's stale bagels (or worse, enough pizza to turn a normal man into a Chris Farley). However, we've contacted our sources inside the administration and have a report on a few other ideas they are considering:
- Unlimited credit-bearing internships in "construction science"
- All the port-a-potties you can use
- Free purple-and-gold dust masks
- On demand wolf whistles (female students only)
- Every TG will start out with a group sing of "YMCA"

Q: So when during the interview process is the best time to ask about drug testing?

A: Glad you asked. We here at the MBAlmer have often requested a workshop on the topic from the BCC but have been frequently rebuffed due to the lack of space for a gathering of that size. But anyways, unless you're talking about FDA trials and are interviewing with a pharmaceutical firm, we'd suggest waiting until at least the second interview. Try to work it in all casual, like "You know, I've bought stock in Accurate Diagnostics, so I was hoping you would use their products if you're going to give me a drug test. Should I leave you a brochure?" They’ll never figure it out.

Q: I'm a crab fisherman and am curious about using alternative energy to run my boats. Do you have any suggestions?
A: Well, we'd suggest a conversion to biodiesel would probably be the easiest. Just go into any McDonalds in Ketchikan or Dutch Harbor and walk out with all the free fry grease you want. If you were thinking something more green, you could cover every topside surface with solar cells and hope that those Alaskan winters don't hit till your battery's fully charged. The emerging technologies around wave power are also fairly exciting, but you might have to row until you get outside the breakwater. Of course we considered wind power as well, but everyone knows that man will never reliably use wind to power a boat.

Q: I'm perhaps the biggest liberal in school, but even I was shocked when I heard that foreclosures were being halted for all these idiots who overpaid for their houses and now can't pay the mortgage. My husband and I refused to buy a house last year because we knew we couldn't pay for it! And now our taxes are subsidizing these morons! My question is, does this make me a conservative?

A: Yes, please turn on Fox News immediately. You're allowed to root for Alan Colmes but try not to do so in public.

Q: You MBAlmer writers are so funny, you probably get all the dates right?

A: Pretty much, though we often confuse Tuesday with Thursday. And have a penchant for bad obscure puns.