Kayihan Administration Proposes Sweeping Extension To Core Values

In a highly-anticipated press conference this morning, incoming MBAA President Arkan Kayihan unveiled his long-awaited proposal to overhaul and expand the MBA Core Values. "The core values as we know them have been a fine foundation for professional development," said Kayihan, "But we need to update them to ensure they stay relevant in the fast-paced, ever-changing business world." Full Text »

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Case Competition Triumph Attributed To PowerPoint Skills
The MBAlmer has learned that the decisive UW Business School victory at the Western Conference Case Competition last month is primarily due to the strategic and extensive use of PowerPoint animations and clip art.

In Crisis, Strategy Departments Demand New "Lucky Charms" Shape By August
Citing a "clear and present danger to academia," the University of Washington Strategy Department has joined other universities around the country in demanding that General Mills, maker of the popular "Lucky Charms" breakfast cereal, introduce a new geometric shape to its cereal mix no later than August, 2005.

Career Center Frustrated By Inability To Place Burgstahler
Executive leadership at the BCC are becoming "increasingly frustrated" by their inability to place Associate Dean Dave Burgstahler, according to MBAlmer sources. "We had such good luck with both Yash [Gupta] and Vance [Roley]," said Susan Canfield, "But Dave is becoming a real problem. He's been very uncooperative in terms of scheduling mock interviews and regularly meeting with his coach. To the best of my knowledge, he's also barely checked e-recruiting for new opportunities." New Director Jane Bouffard commented, "I've made four different attempts to expose Dave to my framework for job-search success, and he's plainly not interested. I'm not really sure where we go from here." Added Canfield: "If he brings down our average or screws up the rankings, I'll kill him."

Reynolds Unsure Of Ethical Obligation To Hookers
According to MBAlmer sources, UW Ethics Professor Scott Reynolds is unsure of what, if any, ethical obligations arise in situations involving prostitutes. "On the one hand, we have Mill and Utilitarianism," said Reynolds. "Mill would say that pleasure is a good thing, and therefore more pleasure is more of a good thing. Thus, engaging in a transaction with a prostitute is promoting the greater good, and is therefore the ethical thing to do. Yet on the other hand," continued Reynolds, "We have Kant, who would ask, 'What would the world be like if EVERYONE paid for prostitutes?' Clearly, the economy would be composed of nothing but prostitution. That can't be good. So Kant would almost certainly be against it. A third view would be stakeholder theory, which would point out that we have several constituencies to consider when soliciting prostitutes - our families, local taxing authorities, and so on. It's all very thorny." When informed of Reynolds' deliberations, Abby Neumiller at the BCC expressed hope that a decision would be forthcoming before the next Road Show to Las Vegas: "Attendance will go through the roof if we get the green light on this one."

3rd Row Thinks 2nd Row's Emails Are "Kind of Boring"
As reported in this month's issue of Anthropology Quarterly, 3rd Row MBA students think that e-mail and instant messages sent and received by 2nd Row MBA students are “kind of boring.” MBAlmer interviews with regular attendees of the 3rd Row confirmed these findings. “You know, when I first got here I thought that being able to read someone else’s e-mail would be kind of cool, like a great way to peek into someone else’s life,” said 2005'er Peter Campbell. “But after almost two years of it, I gotta tell ya that it’s never lived up to expectations.” Class of 2006 3rd Row student Keith Vaitkus agreed: “It’s never anything juicy. It’s just ‘pick up milk on the way home’ or ‘I can’t make that team meeting tonight, can we do it tomorrow?’ kind of stuff. Nothing about who is sleeping with whom, or family drama, or anything.” When reached for comment, habitual 2nd Row dweller Patrick Chinnavaso simply sighed and said, “Until you see what the first row is doing, you have no idea what boredom looks like.”

"What Would Balu Do?" Bracelets Sold Out Yet Again
For the third time in the last eight days, the Balmer Cafe is reporting out-of-stock on "What Would Balu Do?" bracelets as of this morning. "It's frustrating, " said Cafe manager Mike Thompson. "No matter how many we order, we just can't keep them on the shelves." Bracelet demand is apparently being driven by internship-seeking first-year MBA students. "I've got round two coming up with Microsoft," said lucky owner Erin Burchfield, "And that bracelet has been a real lifesaver, let me tell you. I got asked this one question about the number of golf balls you could fit in a 747. I took a deep breath, looked at the bracelet, and suddenly knew how Balu would answer. I knocked the interview out of the park." Thompson is urging students with near-term bracelet needs to consider the "What Would Nolan Wear?" model, which is "in stock and on sale for a pretty deep discount."

Hadjimichalakis Wins Grammy For "Smells Like Animal Spirits"
Dr. Karma Hadjimichalakis, Professor of Economics, was the recipient of the 2004 Grammy for "Song Of The Year (Educational)" last Sunday in Los Angeles for her hit single, "Smells Like Animal Spirits." Modeled on Nirvana's groundbreaking, 1991 smash "Smells Like Teen Spirit," "Animal Spirits" praises entrepreneurs and low interest rates while railing against both inflation and the "unholy trinity." Despite critics' dismissals of the song as being both "derivative" and "supply-side," White House Economist Dr. N Gregory Mankiw praised the song as "an important contribution to the understanding of macroeconomic principles." DJ Rick Flava agreed, calling the track "bitchin'." "This is a tremendous honor, "said Dr. Hadjimichalakis, "For me, this song is the culmination of my many years teaching Macroeconomics. I've always tried to make my material accessible in as many different ways as I can. This is just another vehicle, and I'm gratified that it's caught the public imagination." Dr. Hadjimichalakis' next project is believed to be a discussion of open market operations set to Coldplay's "Clocks."