Class Of '06 Not Sure What All The Fuss Was About

After countless warnings about workload, personal life sacrifices, and stress, the class of 2006, now concluding its third week in the MBA Program, "just isn't sure what all the fuss was about." Full Text »

Ask Elizabeth Stearns!

Women In Business Foiled Again By James Bond
James Bond has foiled yet another world-takeover plot by Women In Business. Sources close to the secretive, clannish "WiB" have characterized President Danika Dreslin as "enraged, outraged, and on the warpath."

Kennedy's PACCAR Money "Pretty Much Blown"
Sources are reporting that Dr. Jane Kennedy, Associate Professor of Accounting and winner of the 2004 PACCAR award, has "pretty much blown" the $25,000 prize on gambling and booze during a crazy weekend in Vegas.

Boeker Produces "Bullshit Bingo" Winner In Record-Breaking 12.3 Seconds
First-year MBA student Rebecca Lovell set a new world record Monday, winning a game of "Bullshit Bingo" during Warren Boeker's Competitive Strategy class in a scorching 12.3 seconds. "I'm just thrilled," said Lovell. "I never imagined I could win something like this." The win came between 1:50:34 PM and 1:50:47 PM, beating the previous world record of 15.9 seconds set in 1999. The winning sequence was "value chain", "core competence", "five forces model", "disaggregate" and "International strategy." Despite standing up and screaming, "BULLSHIT!" during a class session, no disciplinary action is planned against Lovell by UW.

Decklever, Fowler Spotted In Undergraduate Lounge Again
Members of the Balmer Hall janitorial staff are reporting that Class of 2005 student Jed Fowler, 24, and Class of 2006 student Mike Decklever, 23, have been spotted in the undergraduate lounge again. "It's no big deal," protested Fowler. "I thought I saw one of my books in there." This is the eighth time this year that either Fowler or Decklever has been "confused" or "disoriented" about "which lounge is which." The duo's presence was confirmed by Business major and sophomore Jamie Franklin, 19: "Jed and Mike are just great. They're both so smart and funny. Plus they have cars and can buy beer!" When contacted for comment, MBA Program Director Dan Poston said that he was "pleased to hear they're meeting new people," but the two of them "better check IDs, if you know what I mean."

Klastorin Used Much-Maligned "Payback Period" To Justify PhD In '73
After an exhaustive search through the archives of the University of Texas, the MBAlmer has learned that Dr. Ted Klastorin, Professor of Operations Management and published author of "Project Management: Tools And Trade-Offs" used the crude and simplistic "payback period" technique to justify his PhD in 1973. "If true," said Dr. Bruce Faaland, Chair of the Management Science Department, "this would show an amazing lack of judgment. Payback periods don't account for discounted cash flow or risk ... in fact, the only advantage they have is that they're easy to explain to the uninformed. The horror!" When confronted with the evidence, Klastorin confessed to the deed, explaining, "I was young and foolish. It hasn't happened since. Can't we let the past be the past"? It was unclear at press time if this incident would go down on Klastorin's permanent record.

Doyle "Cagey and Evasive" About Former Employer
MBAA Vice President of Academic Affairs Casey Doyle has been, according to MBAlmer sources, "cagey and evasive" about the identity of his former employer. Susan Canfield at the BCC expressed strong concern after a yet another fruitless resume-workshop with Doyle: "It's hard enough to get a job in this market. When students can't - or won't - answer basic questions about their professional background, it really harms their prospects. I don't know where Casey was for 12 years, but he needs to get his story together ... and soon." Sources speculated that Doyle's unwillingness to disclose his employment history could point to stints in the CIA, illegal drug running, or membership in the 2000 Gore campaign.

Burger Can't Remember If He Did Sit-Ups Or Not
According to sources at the IMA, Class of '05 student and Men's Health cover model Nathan Burger cannot remember if he did sit-ups today or not. "I usually do my upper-body work on Tuesdays," said Burger, "and I always warm up with a fifteen-minute run and some stretching. But I'm just spacing on whether I did my crunches before I ran, after I ran, or if I was holding off to do them after my workout." Burger commented that he was going to blend up a protein shake "and think about it some more." Odds are 3-1 among MBA students that Burger would rather do a second set of sit-ups than risk missing them at all.