Shit Happens

No purported humor site would really be complete without something completely sophomoric - here you go

Religion

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Mormonism #3: Crap happens (you can’t say shit in Utah)
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Wiccan #2: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
Wiccan #3: The Goddess makes shit happen
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Scientology #2: All this happens to be shit
Scientology #3: If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you
Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock Knock, Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half of the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Agnostic #4: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not.
Agnostic #5: How can we KNOW if shit happens?
Agnostic #6: You can't prove any of this shit
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Amish: Shit is good for the soil.
Amish #2: This modern shit is worthless.
Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it.
Baptist #2: We'll wash the shit right off you.
Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord.
Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.
Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.
Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors
Sikhism: Leave our shit alone.
Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening.
Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Voodoo #2: Let's stick some pins in this shit!
Voodoo #3: This shit's gonna get you
Pagan: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.

Philosophies, etc

Nihilism: No shit.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.
Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
Masochism: Do shit to me!
Sadism: I will shit on you!
Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
Surrealism: Fish!
Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen!

Personalities

Einstein: Shit is Relative.
Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where
Joseph McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit?
M.L. King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist...
Freud: Shit is a phallic symbol.
Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit
Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it
Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
Aristotle: The essence of shittyness…
Archimedes: Hmmm… why doesn’t this shit float?
Archimedes #2: Give me a place to stand and I’ll move any piece of shit
DesCartes: I think, so why am I in this shit?
DesCartes #2: I shit, therefore I am
Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit
Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately… to suck all the shit out of life
Sartre: Shit is meaningless
Sartre #2: What is shit, anyway?
Godel: It can be proved that it cannot be proved that shit happens

Professions

Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case...
Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe.
Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, this is shit.
Physicist (Theoretical): Shit should happen
Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up.
Biologist: Is this shit alive?
Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit.
Bureaucrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub- Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning.
Psychologist: Shit is in your mind.
Psychologist #2: Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.
Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles.
Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen...
Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected.
Politician #2: If you elect me, there will never again be shit.
Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up?
Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri=the excrement of a bull)
IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms.
Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit.
Union Leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike.
Mafia Boss: Rub the shit out.
NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit...
Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit
Surgeon: Shit, where’s this organ supposed to go?
Historian: The same shit happens again and again
Professor: Let’s see how crazy they’ll be neck-deep in my shit
Professor #2: Hey, I’ve got tenure! I don’t give a shit about students
Marketing Exec: This shit could sell, if only it came in different colors
Mechanic: Shit…this will cost a lot, mister
Chef: It needs some more of this green shit
Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit
Artist #2: Shit, I wish I thought of that
Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share
Poet #2: Ode to a Grecian shit
Poet #3: My love is like a red, red shit
Poet #4: …and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit
Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt