Last June, disaster struck the Honors Croquet League. Our database, the records, statistics, and heart of the webpage, went down and was not able to be fixed. For the next six months, the current Executor (290) was unable to enter match records, upload photos, schedule matches, or commend Players of the Month. To make the situation even more difficult, the Treasurer/Membership Coordinator/Compatriot Extraordinaire (175) left town for New Zealand. The League was in dire straits.
Over the months, records were kept on paper, all involved hoping that nothing would be lost in these dark times of the League. Several database-savvy individuals offered to help revive the database, but it was recommended against by our database creator (001), saying that the whole system was currently “Sprung like a trap.”
But in the dark month of December, Nicolas Addington returned to Seattle from Wisconsin and spent a great deal of his time in the state fixing up the database and adding new editing features to the website. Since then, the current Executor (290) has been working on entering all of the backlogged information into the database. Soon the website will be caught up to speed, and the League will reclaim the distinction of being the best-run student organiztion on campus. Check back frequently for website updates. At the time of this writing, four new Player of the Month blurbs have been added to the website.
Many months back, in the summer of 2005, letters were sent out to thirteen dignitaries of all sorts, requesting their presence at the October croquet match and their service as celebrity judges in the CFR Scholarship competition. These dignitaries were The Right Honorable Paul Martin, Prime Minister of Canada; Jim McDermott, our own representative; Christine Gregoire, Governor of the State of Washington; Ryan North, author of the online Dinosaur Comics; Ira Glass, radio host of NPR’s “This American Life”; Matt Groening, creator of “The Simsons”; Barak Obama, progressive Illinois senator; Guitar Wolf, eponymous guitarist of the band Guitar Wolf; Noam Chomsky, Professor Emeritus of Linguistics at MIT; Desmond Tutu, Anglican Archbishop of Cape Town and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize in 1984; Nancy Pearl, librarian of Seattle Public Libraries and model of librarian action figure; Mr. T, of The A-Team; and Gary Larson, author of The Far Side comic strips.
Each was sent an official HCL letter detailing their qualifications (including such embellishments as “skill at oratory delivery,” “authorship of a though-provoking periodical,” and “general awesomeness”), outlining the goals and positions held by the League, and the purpose of the scholarship.
Of these thirteen dignitaries, seven replied with regretful declines. Archbishop Tutu’s personal assistant Lavinia Browne wished us a “lively and exciting event.” The Prime Minister’s Special Assitant Liz Yong-Lafleche let us know that “The Prime Minister appreciates your interest and has asked me to thank you.” Ryan North “regretfully regrets” not being able to attend. Damian Cordova of the Office of Congressman McDermott wrote, “U.S. Representative McDermott applauds the goals of the Honors Croquet League, and offers his congratulations to this year’s awardees of the C.F.R. Scholarship F.” Noam Chomsky himself replied with, “Just received your letter. One of the more unusual invitations, and a pleasant idea. Hopelessly impossible, I’m afraid.” Other responses came from Governor Gregoire and Nancy Pearl.
Although the League did not reach its goal of sending out 500 letters and having at least one celebrity attend, (mailing addresses are difficult to find!) a 58.3% response rate is encouraging and bodes well for next year.
Thanks to the media draw of the Lakewood Croquet Club, our longtime associates in croquet in the Seattle area, the Honors Croquet League was featured prominently on the cover of the Getaways section of the Seattle P-I on June 2. The article included several full-color photographs of League members Brandon Martin-Anderson (094) “Resplendent in a Utilikilt,” Michelle Burce (290), Cameron Newland (492) and Dulce Hernandez (493). Choice excerpts include, “‘We feel that croquet is a basic right, like e-mail and ballpoint pens. … Anyone who charges for it is oppressing the masses,’ states the HCL, which preserves the game’s more prim, classical form.” ExExecutor Nicolas Addington (001) would point out that the ellipsis takes the place of the phrase “and poorly-written local newspapers.” We speculate that freelance writer Amanda Castleman did not want to jeopardize her future at either the Stranger or the Seattle Weekly. The full text of this article can be found here.
The Honors Croquet League, in an attempt to promote political awareness and support Karl David Smith (465) in his bid for ASUW Director of Operations, and also to celebrate the birthdays of three prominent League members (040, 175, 181), had arranged a match on the HUB Lawn at noon against members of the Represent! ticket. As the League members were assembling and beginning setup, a Rock Your Vote tabler shouted at us, “Hey, you guys play croquet? We play croquet!” At this, he brandished a croquet set that looked remarkably similar to those stolen on Greek Row in March of ’04. After an incredulous moment, Emily Jane Price (084) marched over, took the set, and brought it to the assembled croquettiers for inspection. Sure enough, there on the front was pasted a white label reading “Honors Croquet League” and our address, #6. Sportcraft #6 (of 8) had reappeared. At that point, the game was off and the sleuthing was on. When further pressed with questions about his identity, we discovered that this croquet set was provided by one Nick Huntington of the College Republicans and Theta Delta Chi, whose friend’s girlfriend found it on the street one night. After an intense impromptu good-cop/bad-cop (also referred to as, “hot-cop/mean-cop”) routine by Michelle Burce (290) and Brandon Martin-Anderson (094), backed up by 6-8 mallet-brandishing League members, names and phone numbers were acquired, but those under questioning were determined to be just about as innocent as they seemed. No further leads have been uncovered. Sportcraft #6 is in poor shape, but we are glad to have it back.
On October 2, the C.F.R. Scholarship F. finally came to fruition 365 days after its endowment on October 3 of the previous year. The assembled croquet memebers, led by Distinguised Celebrity Judges Brandon Philip Martin-Anderson (094), Champion of the North and the South, Camden Michael Basil Davis (044), the Most Senior Voting Member and All-Campus Champion 2004, and Randolph York Hennes (314), Upstanding Figurehead Celebrity Extraordinaire, enjoyed six quality speeches about the nature and profundity of this game we call croquet. Joseph Viguers Groves (185), was named the first Rippey Scholar, on account of his eloquent and fecund croquet-filled speech. His declaration that croquet “vaguely counts as exercise” brought the cry of “Huzzah” from the crowd, but that was only the beginning of Joe’s fine showing. When he brought up “cultural rhubarb,” the assembled members were roused to great merriment. His speech ended on the vaguely political mention of “So let us see to it then, that if the day should come when we too must rise up against king George for our own liberty, that we do not go to our deaths for having poorly handled our mallets.” Indeed.
Other applicants for the Rippey Scholarship included Rebecca Diane Stecker (337), Kashena Jade Konecki (311), Jill Ann Edwards (426), Philip King Corliss (150), who brought the crowd to cheers as he took off his shirt, and Arcadia Lynn Corbett (436), who also made a fine showing with a poem declaring, “Next time you send him, use a postage stamp!”
As the first Rippey Scholar, Joe received the first of three installments of $5. Much like the Mary Gates Endowment, the second and third installments will be dispersed at the beginnings of Winter and Spring quarters, respectively.
During the Tour of the North, three croquet sets were accidentally abandoned in Arlington, WA in Haller Park. They were recovered by Officer C. Hirotaka of the Arlington Police Department. In the Police Report, Hirotaka describes the scene thusly: “3 duffle bags, maroon in color, found just east of the restrooms in Haller Park on 8/8/04 at approximately 22:45 hours. No one was in or near the park entrance.”
Thanks to the foresight of our Executor, Nicolas Addington (001), the name and address of the Honors Croquet League was printed on every bag. The League was notified by mail, and four members, Chris Carrico (010), Brandon Martin-Anderson (094), Raz Barnea (152), and Michelle Burce (290) ventured to Arlington to recover the lost sets. The incredulity of Officer Nancy Lingel of the Arlington P.D. was apparent as she declared over the phone, “We actually have three croquet sets.” Upon arrival, the recovery party became momentarily lost as they were told that the Police Department was not in fact part of City Hall. When the department was finally reached, thanks to a map procured at City Hall, the sets were returned without much ado, and they are now safely back in the Croquet Office. Brandon Martin-Anderson speculated, “I think they [Officer Lingel et. al.] were happy to see us, because of all the people that visited the police department, we were the only ones not asking about guns. I think the croquet sets brought a welcome feeling of frivolity to the Arlington Police Department.” Nicolas Addington commented, “Now if only the UWPD would recover the lost sets from last March…”
The recovered property notification, map, and police report are on file in the office and will be incorporated into the library when our esteemed Librarian (055) returns from Denmark.
Arlington PD Case #04-2238
Evidence#1649
By popular demand, the e-mails which constitute the infamous Yuri Barron Scandal have again been posted on the web. In the winter of 2001, Mr. Barron responded to an invitation to join our humble League with a semi-coherent string of epithets, and a modest flame war ensued. To this day, Mr. Barron is the only person barred from joining the League. To read the e-mails, click here.
Editor’s note: These e-mails contain language which is not appropriate for children or anyone with a shred of respect for women, Afghans, Jews, residents of Belfast, castratti, cats, or Yuri Barron.